By: Jimmy Christmas
WASHINGTON, DC: The numbers are inconsistent. Some studies say one in every 40,000 Americans — others say around a total of 13,000,000 Americans. The people don’t exactly know. And the people are getting fed up.
For the past decade, Washington, DC has tried to brush its “little people” percentage under the rug. Dodging responsibilities, politicians are saying they have “more important work.”
“Healthcare, immigration, terrorism — these are the real issues we’re trying to solve right now. I personally don’t see how the number of dwarfs is a concern to the American people,” Sen. Ted Garnish (R-MA) said.
But the people have a right to know. For far too long, the American public has been kept in the dark on how many people in this country are forced to take the bottom bunk of a bunk bed.
Thankfully, some people in politics listen to the people. Congresswoman and local mom Jenny Vail (L-AR) has been hard at work trying to personally count the number of midgets in this country. But it’s getting difficult.
“I’m not going to lie, this isn’t an easy task, especially since we’ve recently uncovered that a number of really tall people in trench coats were actually just one midget standing on another’s shoulders. Kind of like this,” Vail said. [While saying this, Vail jumped on her security guard’s back, making him both angered at her for unnecessarily jumping on his back, and at himself for getting caught smoking weed his senior of high school, resulting in him losing his full ride which was his last chance at a higher education, forcing him to work as a security guard. He didn’t say any of this, it was kinda just a vibe I was getting off of him.]
Another big issue is the budget. The Counting Of All Midgets Project (“COAMP”) is in need of more funding.
“Currently, there isn’t a lot of funding towards COAMP. Congress wasn’t a huge fan of the proposal, so most of the money is coming out of my daughter’s college funds. But I know this will be worth it in the long run,” Vail said.
Granola Club 