By: Keith Pomodoro
The Christmas season is upon us, and there is no hiding from it. Trust me: I tried, it found me. Now I’m not saying I hate Christmas, I actually quite enjoy it. I don’t know what it is about this time of year, but there’s a magic in the air. A pregnant pause in the hatred of this world. A pause that burst forth amniotic fluid and a small, whimpering, child on December 25th. A season of love, a season of life. A season of hope.
But much more than all those wonderful things, Christmas is a season of presents. A season of getting. Unfortunately, there is a downside to getting. Getting comes hand in hand with giving, and giving proves challenging to most individuals, especially if they don’t particularly care for the individual that is receiving their gift. To ease the lives of those who often find themselves scrambling to find a gift for their least favorite niece, or their senile grandpa, I have crafted a list of the trendiest items in the market this Christmas season.
Editor’s note: Some items may only be accessible via the black market.
7. Make your own Hobo Spoon Kit
Every American knows that during the Great Depression (Great Depression? more like my life am I right ladies?) hobos often carved their own spoons out of materials like: tree flesh (wood), obsidian, human bones, and bedrock. These stories are tantalizing, spurring a desire in one’s heart to follow in the footsteps of these great innovators. Well now you can with the “Make Your Own Hobo Spoon Kit” from Fraudulent Toys, creators of the “Make Your Own Prison Shank Kit” and the ever popular “Make Your Own Pregnancy Test Kit”. The kit includes a sharp knife and a piece of wood, making it the perfect gift for all ages. The Make Your Own Hobo Spoon Kit is a for sure maybe when it comes to christmas gift giving this season.
6. Gru and Vector Costumes from the hit film “Despicable Me”
“Despicable Me” is a groundbreaking war drama which focuses heavily upon post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), as well as a broken vietnam war veteran narrator named Gru. A man who is struggling to find a way to cope with the atrocities he has committed during the war. Not only was it a critical success, but it also smashed box office records, garnering over $1.035 billion during its international run. Many films of the fan have tried their best at recreating the eccentric costumes from the film. Many were close, but no cigar! Thanks to the folks at Halloween Costumes UK you can now quench your thirst for authentic “Despicable Me” cosplay with their new line of “Despicable Me” dress up costumes. What a gift!
5.) A Saw
Saws are the perfect tool for any man, woman, male, female, child, or infant on your Christmas list this season. You can use them to chop, to slap, and bwwap almost any item in sight. Pipes leaking?? Hit ‘em with this boy and you’re good to go!! Teacher give you an F on a math test you weren’t supposed to take because you missed a week of school due to a bubonic plague outbreak in your household?? Let the air out of her (or his) tires using this handy dandy saw. Problem solved!! Are your annoying, unvaccinated children whining about coughing up blood and having swollen lymph nodes?? Problem solved!! A saw is the handy man, woman, male, female, child, or infants dream Christmas present.
4.) Joseph Stalin Body Pillow
They say that Christmas is a season of love, and if you watch Hallmark channel you know that Christmas is the season of falling in love. But how do you give a relative the gift of falling in love without it getting too incesty (I’m trying to help you out here Kentucky). Well look no further than The Joseph Stalin Body Pillow from Fraudulent Upholstery. The Joseph Stalin Body Pillow is a warm, lightweight pillow featuring high quality fabric, as well as beautiful graphics of everyone’s favorite communist grandpa, Joseph Stalin. As well as being lightweight and high quality the pillow is comfortable, huggable, squeezable, and cuddleable, making it perfect for late nights filled with crying and loneliness. Trust me, I’d know. Fill that hole in your family members soul with The Joseph Stalin Pillow.
Editor’s Note: Batteries not included.
3. Snowglobe
Snow Globes are pretty cool. Why not buy one for someone? It can shake, it can twirl, it can sit, and that’s it. Possibly the easiest way to tell someone that their existence is meaningless to you, the snowglobe is definitely a gift that you can give someone you don’t like.
2. Shrek Forever After on 4K Blu-ray
Considered by most critics to be the greatest film of all time, “Shrek Forever After” swept the 2010 Oscars, garnering over 20 nominations (of which it won 10) which include: Best Pictures, Most Visually Appealing Ogre, Songs, Most Foreign Film, Best Person, and Most Likely Director. “Shrek Forever After” is the perfect Christmas present for that unspecial someone in your life this Christmas Season.
1. A live grenade
Looking to liven up the festivities at your next family party?? Wanting to be a catalyst in grandpa’s PTSD outburst this Christmas season?? Well look no further than The Armed Hand Grenade from Dynamite Toys, makers of The Armed Tripmine, and The Build Your Own Nuclear Energy Lab. Blow the competition away this Christmas season with The Armed Hand Grenade from Dynamite Toys.
Note: all of these ideas are purely satire and are not intended for actual use or gifting.
Granola Club 